"I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone."
"For me, comedy starts as a spew, a kind of explosion, and then you sculpt it from there, if at all. It comes out of a deeper, darker side. Maybe it comes from anger, because I'm outraged by cruel absurdities, the hypocrisy that exists everywhere, even within yourself, where it's hardest to see."
"I basically started performing for my mother, going, 'Love me!' What drives you to perform is the need for that primal connection. When I was little, my mother was funny with me, and I started to be charming and funny for her, and I learned that by being entertaining, you make a connection with another person."
"The bad thing about being a famous comedian is that every now and then someone approaches me to tell an old joke. Don't tell me jokes - I have that. People also say the weirdest things, sometimes sarcastic things, and even evil things. They like to provoke to get a reaction."
"Being in the same room with people and creating something together is a good thing."
"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."
"We have a president for whom English is a second language. He's like 'We have to get rid of dictators,' but he's pretty much one himself."
"I left school and couldn't find acting work, so I started going to clubs where you could do stand-up. I've always improvised, and stand-up was this great release. All of a sudden, it was just me and the audience."
"From the point of view of being in the public radar, comedians have less problems than other actors. Action movie stars like Stallone or Schwarzenegger usually attract the more aggressive fans."
"A lot of vets like 'Good Morning Vietnam' - I get great letters from guys."
"I loved school, maybe too much, really. I was summa cum laude in high school. I was driven that way."
"Sometimes you have to make a movie to make money."
"I think it's great when stories are dark and strange and weirdly personal."
"Divorce is expensive. I used to joke they were going to call it 'all the money,' but they changed it to 'alimony.' It's ripping your heart out through your wallet."
"Tweets? That stuff kills conversation. And people taking pictures with their phone or recording you, sometimes surreptitiously, is creepy. They come up and just start talking to you, and you can see the red light on their phone."
"I write on big yellow legal pads - ideas in outline form when I'm doing stand-up and stuff. It's vivid that way. I can't type it into an iPad - I think that would put a filter into the process."
"I love kids, but they are a tough audience."
"Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!"
"When Jonathan Winters died, it was like, 'Oh, man!' I knew he was frail, but I always thought he was going to last longer. I knew him as being really funny, but at the same time, he had a dark side."
"One of my favourite actors of all time, although he doesn't necessarily play villains, is Peter Lorre."
